Ahhhh! Fall is in the air.
Bonfires, pumpkin spice, and sexy eskimo costumes for children ages 3-7.
I love Halloween. It is one of the best holidays around. And, what's not to like? Your kids get to knock on your neighbor's door, say three words, and they give you candy while you stay on the sidewalk. SOOO much better than having to make small talk with them, out of courtesy, on your way to the mailbox when the only thing they give you is the gift of shit from their dog's ass placed strategically in your mower path.
While I have always LOVED Halloween, we've really found a way of fucking it up.
It's not just because we decided pumpkin spice would taste amazing in tuna.
Or that the decorations go up in July.
While those things are annoying. There are other offenses much worse.
I present to you, the 8 magical things we've done to fuck up Halloween.
1. Leg Avenue
What happened to the days of kids/teens dressing like book characters and gum ball machines? Seriously? If you have children, you know what I'm talking about. Everything is slutty as hell. I was perusing the aisles of a Halloween store recently, and there was a tween costume for Amelia Earhart that featured fishnet stockings and a plunging neckline. Like, WTF? Does anyone truly believe that's what Ms. Earhart wore as she soared over that pond? A woman who broke gender barriers clearly did not fly over the Atlantic with her who-ha out for world to see. Of course, the package doesn't say "Amelia Earhart", it says "Sexy Bomber Pilot" however, the costume is ironically one that bares a striking throwback to the 20s and 30s. But...Being the idiots we have come to be, clearly we can't put two and two together. It's not just the sexy bomber. It's sexy police, sexy firefighter, sexy Donkey Kong. I had no idea fishnets and vinyl were so versatile...but apparently.
2. Pinterest
Yes, dear neighbor, I freaking LOVE the way you used the the leftover yarn from the knitting of scarves for the homeless to macrame a spiderweb that features patterns that only exist in true nature. However. When you put that up with your up-cycled spider made of materials that aren't biodegradable because you are saving the planet, it makes my fucking rotting pumpkin look bad. And it makes me feel worthless. Remember school parties when we were young, and parents brought sugar cookies and we bobbed for apples? Well, fuck that world. That world no longer exists. It has been stripped away and replaced with parents' need to one up the other room moms. Yes, I'm sure every child wants to make a frankenstein out of homemade guacamole and organic black tortilla chips. Because, well, who wouldn't? And, I know I shouldn't be bitter, but I love the simplicity that my childhood supplied. My costume was purchased at the local costume store, and we paraded around the neighborhood and then came back to school and laughed and made candy corn. People were forced to be creative, and didn't rely on a website to supply them with ideas.
And, that's if we even get to dress up...thank you, Common Core (I'm not really sure Common Core is to blame, but everyone loves to hate it, so...).
3. Trunk-or-Treat
Seriously. Yes, your Toyota Highlander looks so amazing with the hand cut teeth and vinyl tablecloth tongue in the backlight you have shining courtesy of your generator. I think it's great that through STEM-based learning, your child crafted a robot to serve candy. It looks especially amazing next to my dented Kia, with missing interior lighting. Yeah... That spider web...not a decoration. It's because my car can't fit in the garage, and so spiders actually choose to inhabit my vehicle. Perhaps insects are attracted to smell of rotting body, which again, isn't part of the props, but rather some milk that I can't find because I've become used to the smell. Do you see my conundrum? One day of knocking on doors is enough. Back then, I only had to clean my hallway. Now I have to clean my damn car so I don't look like some shady freak luring children into my trunk.
4. Adult-Themed Parties
This one won't make me friends. However. We are adults. And no matter what you tell yourself, you are not a sexy eskimo. I'm not saying you aren't sexy. I'm saying, you don't need to put yourself in synthetic materials or require your guests to put themselves in synthetic materials just to enjoy each other's company. I know getting dressed up in costume is fun. If it wasn't, Fredrick's of Hollywood would not be in business. We aren't the Real Housewives. We are people who shouldn't feel like we need to spend $50 on a bustier and go-go boots to go hang with our friends. But, just because that is my viewpoint, I understand other people may really enjoy this. But I urge you to look around the room. How many women are banging down gender norms to dress in something that isn't deemed as sexy or pretty? If you want to be Amelia Mother-Fucking Earhart, then give that woman the credit she deserves and dress like the badass she truly was, not the one Trump would grab by the flight-stick. Nothing is as sexy as being smart.
5. Almond Joy
Do I need to go further?
6. Pumpkin Spice
Starbucks, you had me at Pumpkin Spice. However. Leave it to us as Americans to oversaturate the world with something that was once anticipated. Pumpkin spice chewing gum? Yup. It exists. Pumpkin spice dog food. Check. Pumpkin Spice M and M's. Good news, those will soon be on clearance. We have taken a good thing and Kardashian'ed the hell out of it. I mean...Yes...much like Kim herself, it's spicy and fantastic. But I'm so fucking sick of seeing it. It's everywhere. And, frankly, I'm over it. I can't even drink my PSL this year, because it's been bastardized.
7. Thank you
Seriously. I can get over the fact that you are bringing your child who doesn't have teeth and is still nursing off the teet to my house, despite the fact that I know the butterfinger is going straight to you. And, yes, I think it's adorable how you and your friends are driving around from house to house, sans costume, as door-to-door candy muggers. But, say THANK YOU. Seriously. And no one has jokes anymore. When you ask for one, they look at you as if you're dressed up as a sexy female version of Luigi. Because, seriously, what's sexier than Luigi? It's as if me giving you something is an expected behavior.
8. Global Warming
Yes, my friends, it's October. And, I'm SWEATING. A LOT! And, when I think about pumpkins, I sweat even more. Ugh...dragging my adorable thankless heathens to the pumpkin patch and having to lug the ugliest pumpkin in the patch just because it's the biggest. It is not supposed to be this hot in October, however, on the flip side, no one will get cold in their fishnets.
I digress...
I don't know about you, but I'm ready to return to celebrating the dead rising out of their graves to wander home in a more classic sense. The hoardes of hell deserve the right to celebrate death and darkness without feeling oversaturated by sexy Red-Ridinghood waving her pinteresting basket full of organic pumpkin-spice snacks in their wicked faces.
I know, I know...No one likes a hater. So if you need me, I'll be in the corner, not wearing fishnets, waiting patiently for November 1st when Christmas Carols return to the radio.
